I hope this message finds you in a state of perpetual confusion, much like my feelings about your presence here at [University Name]. As the Dean, it is my solemn duty to welcome you to this institution, where your enthusiasm is about as inspiring as a blank page.

As you embark on your academic journey, I want you to know that your struggles and challenges will be met with my unwavering apathy. Our esteemed faculty, who are so dedicated to their research that they often forget you exist, will undoubtedly provide you with an education that matches the intensity of their lackluster lectures.

Rest assured, our facilities are adequately functional, catering to your basic needs, while conveniently neglecting to spark any enthusiasm for learning. Our cozy, subpar classrooms will be your home away from home, where you can ponder life’s many mysteries while trying not to nod off.

I encourage you to engage with our “vibrant” campus community, where your peers are as faceless as the paper stacks in my office. Whether it’s joining lackluster clubs, attending uninspiring events, or simply basking in the glory of our unremarkable campus, I trust you’ll find ample ways to pass the time until graduation day arrives.

Should you have any questions or concerns, please direct them to our underwhelmed administrative staff, who have mastered the art of indifference to a degree that might even impress me.

In closing, welcome to [University Name], where mediocrity reigns supreme and ambition goes to die. I wish you a most unremarkable journey through your years here, and remember, you’re not alone – I, too, can’t wait for your departure.

Unenthusiastically,

[Dean’s Name] Dean of Underwhelming Affairs [University Name]